Mixed Feelings

A bi-monthly journal

Exploring flavor, feeling, and survivorship— released with the full and new moon. I write about food, emotion, color, travel, our senses and sense of safety, purpose, agency, identity, embodiment, curiosity, inspiration, and home.

For the longest time, my mixed feelings felt confusing and almost crippling. I felt I needed to resolve to feel one way or another. I felt I needed to release certain emotions. Forgive my fear or anxiousness or sadness… make peace with it all.

I’d wonder to myself and others about how one could be so grateful while still so damn grieved and (survivors) guilty. How could one feel angry and anxious while actively cultivating and experiencing peace. How could one feel beauty while hurting. Or, bored while overwhelmed. My feelings wrestled with one another, constantly leaving me tense in defeat. What was I missing?

It all exists at once sometimes and the better I’ve learned to allow for and hold the juxtaposition and polarity of my feelings, putting it all down for a while when it feels too much, the more I’ve felt balance in embracing and appreciating life as it is with its emotional range.

And so, yes, I feel a lot. Sometimes, I’m overwhelmed. Feeling overly spicy, or syrupy, or spent. But, I’m realizing it’s not about resolving so much as learning the grace of mixing like a fine mixologist or chef.

I ask what the taste of fury needs? Heat? Or the vibration of a thunderous voice? Or perhaps sweetness? Or even bitterness? Maybe dry active yeast for leavening? Inquiring about what my fear needs… The reassurance of safety? Softness? Bravery? Discretion. Lemon zest? Life force? Or maybe my fear just needs friendly support?

Mixing and fermenting and alchemizing feelings can feel more like playing with a symphony of harmonic nutrients as diverse as our global cuisine. Finding what works for me, for my personal palate and dietary needs, I indulge in the biotic result as medicine, finding my way to a feeling of health.